[ Kirk stiffens slightly at that. So, Riona's allegations weren't
false then. Fenris hadn't spoken to Marian, not before they'd slept
together. He found it in himself to feel poorly about that, to feel a flash
of guilt - but mostly he was upset with Fenris. He had trusted him, and
this felt like a betrayal. Not a large one, but it still stung that he had
been part of something so immoral, and it cast a pall over their first
night together. And maybe that's what hurt the most. ]
And? What happened?
[ He wished his voice could have sounded more understanding, but there
was the slightest edge to it, riding beneath the calm. He crunched his
bottle, rolling it between his fingers. ]
[He hears the tone, watches Kirk's body language. He knows this will hurt him, too. HIs shoulders sag. ]
It's over. [Simple as that. She is, quite frankly, better off without him. Hell, he's pretty sure Kirk is better off without him. ]
I'm sorry. I have been dishonest with you, too. I should have been the better man- I should have talked to her before...all of this. I was selfish and cowardly, and the people I care about have suffered for it.
[ He wouldn't mince words with Fenris that way. He deserved better
than that, and if they were to have an honest relationship he couldn't
start sugar coating things now either. He took a breath to gather his
thoughts. ]
I won't lie that it hurts. Not because of what we did - I'll never regret
that night. It hurts because you weren't honest with me.
[ He put his bottle down and went to sit on his bed. It gave Fenris
more of a power position, which Kirk felt he might need so he didn't
outright bolt. ]
[Fenris starts pacing again- like a caged animal. There's a reason his mental form in his calibrations is always a wolf, far more than just his name. What was it that Anders had said once? Less a man than a wild dog. ]
I do not regret it either, not for one second.
[He pauses, just for a second, before resuming his pacing. ]
I regret hurting you. And her. And Riona. [All of them hit by the shrapnel of his own bad decisions. ] I had the chance to be decent about this, and I did not take it. That is unforgivable.
I agree that what you did was wrong, Fenris, but it doesn't make you the
most terrible person in the world either. It's good you came clean about
it, especially to Marian. That's more good than a truly awful person who
didn't care would do.
[ He doesn't reach for him, letting him get the energy out. ]
Between her and you, you'll need to face those consequences and I think
you'll be working a long time to earn her trust again, if she's willing.
But you'll only be truly terrible if you don't try.
As for you and me - I'm hurt, yes, but I also know how much it's taking for
you to come here now and talk about it, and that's a good start for me. And
moving forward, I want your word you'll be honest with me.
[He knows what they had is salvageable, but honestly, it was already that way without this. This just...pushed it over the edge. But he wouldn't every not have her back, even now. He would try to earn her trust back, if she ever gave it.
...Kirk's too.]
You have my word...though if you want it, I honestly think you would be better off without me. I have done enough damage already, don't you think? To you, and her.
In all honesty, I am a grown man who can decide what and who is best for
me. And in another bit of honesty - it's not about you being best for me
Fenris. I don't care about you because you're what's best for me.
I care about you because I find it so damn admirable how loyal you are.
Because I think you're incredibly strong, especially now that I understand
even a fraction of what you've gone through. I think that most of the time
you're very honest with others and I like that about you. I like that you
challenge me, aren't afraid to question me or push. I like you being you're
imperfect and you don't try to be anything but - at least not around me.
[ He made a motion for the other to come sit with him, holding out his
hand for the other. ]
Just because something is broken, doesn't mean you throw it away. You try
and fix it and sometimes it's more beautiful for it.
It's true you weren't honest with me before, but you are being honest now
and I can see that you regret how things happened if not what happened -
which I don't want you to. You've given me your word you'll be honest from
now on, and I believe you. And I'll be honest with you as well, no matter
what it may be. That's going to cause some fights sure, but I think we'll
both be better for it.
That, I think, is what we do for each other. We help make each other
better, in our own ways.
[Fenris does, at least, stop to listen to what Kirk has to say. Everything is just swirling up inside him, and he honestly expects this to be it. That his continued self-fulfilling prophecy of being alone his entire damn life will do what it always does. He'd deserve it.
He hesitates, before moving to sit with him, putting his hand in Kirk's, brow furrowed, trying to understand. He knows his own flaws too well, and hearing Kirk list them as things he likes about him will never not confuse him. ]
Oh.
[Ever the loquacious one. Just because something is broken, doesn't mean you throw it away. That sticks somewhere in his chest and stays there. He takes a few shaky breaths.]
I- I don't regret what happened between us, not at all. Not for a second. I wish I had been the better man, gone about it properly instead of skulking around like a coward. I have a lot of regrets in my life, Kirk...but you're not one of them. Not ever.
[ Kirk closed his fingers around Fenris', brushing his thumb along the back of his hand absently. He was glad the other hadn't bolted from him, that he had come back. He didn't want them to leave on a broken note. He knew he would be hurt for awhile yet over the situation with Marion, that Fenris had been dishonest with him in that capacity, but it wouldn't last.
He didn't want to give up on Fenris, and he still had faith in him. Especially because he knew Fenris had not done any of it with specific malicious intent. If he had, that might have been different - no, it would have been different. Kirk wouldn't have been able to accept that.
A small smile works over his lips at that. ]
Good. Because I don't regret it, or you, either. I never will.
[It was certainly more cowardly than malicious. Fenris may happily charge into any battle, teeth bared, ready to shed blood. But interpersonal relationships? That's where he so often struggled- where he felt real, true fear. It's where he could, and mostly likely would falter.
He looks down at their hands, silent for a moment. ]
I do. I still think you may be a fool for it, but I still want it. Us.
[ Kirk sighed under his breath, shoulders sagging as relief flooded him, pleasantly warm after the tightness that had invaded his chest. He kept a hold of Fenris' hand, not to tight, but not loose either. ]
All right... all right.
[ He licked his lips, brushing a hand through his hair. ]
Well, if we're going to do this, I suppose we should talk about our... expectations, first. What it is we both want from this. Which for me is - I care about you deeply, but I'll be upfront with you and honest, like we promised. I'm not one for monogamy. I never have been, and I doubt I ever will be. It doesn't mean I don't care about you - I do. But I also care about and am involved with a couple others.
It's what I was talking about before. That I don't believe people are meant to love just one person. Well, not all people. Some are, and if they find that one person that's great for them. For me, I just... I can't deny feelings for these people, like I can't deny them for you. They fulfill me in their own unique ways, just like you do, and that doesn't make you less. It just makes you this unique part of my life, a part that I need.
[ He paused then, letting out a shaking laugh. ]
Sorry, I'm - these sort of conversations are not my strong suit. But everything I just said also applies to you as well. I'm not expecting monogamy of you, essentially.
[Fenris is silent, listening to him. The tenseness in his shoulders slowly eases, and he sits a little more relaxed, the more Kirk speaks, the more the weight lifts off him. This, this he could live with. It would be much the same as it had with Isabela- though Kirk was absolutely more open about his feelings than she was. Still, the pressure of someone expecting more from him- of him being able to hold together an actual, functioning relationship, was lifted.
This was...easier.]
I understand. That...would not be a problem. I am not...well suited to someone needing me completely. I barely have enough pieces of me to make one functioning person with. Trying to hold it together with a more solid relationship is near impossible.
[He can just about be there for himself, he can't hold together another person on top of that. He just can't. ]
[ Kirk nodded, bringing up Fenris' hand to his lips and kissing the knuckles, brushing across them with his nose. ]
I won't ask more of you than you can give, and if I ever do, please, please tell me. Talk to me. I will listen and we can talk it out. Like I said, honesty between us.
[ He put Fenris' hand in his lap and continued to stroke his knuckles. ]
[Fenris watches Kirk's motions with the faintest of smiles across his lips. When he asks his question, the elf shrugs in response. Because, honestly, he doesn't need much more than what Kirk already offers. ]
You already understand how I tend to be, and the reasons why I am. That is all I need, understanding- knowing that sometimes I need to step back. That I can't be held too tightly or expected too much of. You already give me this.
[He lets out a soft chuckle, eyes closing at the contact for a moment, content to just...be there. It's been a shitty day, all of his own doing, but a shitty day nonetheless. ]
Oh, well, you know - getting to stay in my cabin, getting to bother me at
all hours, getting to kiss me...
[ He smirked, glancing at him out of the corner of his eye and hoping
his attempt at humor landed. This was easier, his chest less tight and his
stomach not quite so knotted up. ]
[ He bit his lip a little around the smile, though his grip on Fenris'
hand remained tender, thumb brushing across warm skin and idly tracing the
paths of lyrium he came across. ]
[ Admittedly, after Fenris' admission, this probably wasn't the place
things should go. They probably weren't, but he didn't mind if they did. He
was still upset over Fenris not telling him at first, but he couldn't hold
onto it. Not if he wanted them to be able to move forward. Besides, he was
trying now, and he gave him credit for that, and wanted to have faith in
him moving forward. ]
I'm going to hold you to it.
[ His head tilted, nose brushing against Fenris' cheek. ]
[Fenris was very good at not dealing with his emotions by engaging in other things. Sex, fighting, training. It was easier than facing all of the internal mess that was his own head. Still, even he knew this was not the best course of action. He exhaled, pressing a kiss against Kirk's jawl before moving back a little. ]
Though, perhaps it would be better to decompress first.
[ Kirk nodded in affirmation, thinking the same things, knowing it was
right to do and not let either of them unintentionally take advantage of
the other. Even so, he cupped his face and gave him a proper kiss on the
mouth, the slightest suck on his bottom lip. ]
Want a drink? Or is that bad for decompressing too?
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
universal_charm) wrote2024-04-11 06:26 pm
no subject
[ Kirk stiffens slightly at that. So, Riona's allegations weren't false then. Fenris hadn't spoken to Marian, not before they'd slept together. He found it in himself to feel poorly about that, to feel a flash of guilt - but mostly he was upset with Fenris. He had trusted him, and this felt like a betrayal. Not a large one, but it still stung that he had been part of something so immoral, and it cast a pall over their first night together. And maybe that's what hurt the most. ]
And? What happened?
[ He wished his voice could have sounded more understanding, but there was the slightest edge to it, riding beneath the calm. He crunched his bottle, rolling it between his fingers. ]
no subject
It's over. [Simple as that. She is, quite frankly, better off without him. Hell, he's pretty sure Kirk is better off without him. ]
I'm sorry. I have been dishonest with you, too. I should have been the better man- I should have talked to her before...all of this. I was selfish and cowardly, and the people I care about have suffered for it.
no subject
You're right. You should have.
[ He wouldn't mince words with Fenris that way. He deserved better than that, and if they were to have an honest relationship he couldn't start sugar coating things now either. He took a breath to gather his thoughts. ]
I won't lie that it hurts. Not because of what we did - I'll never regret that night. It hurts because you weren't honest with me.
[ He put his bottle down and went to sit on his bed. It gave Fenris more of a power position, which Kirk felt he might need so he didn't outright bolt. ]
no subject
I do not regret it either, not for one second.
[He pauses, just for a second, before resuming his pacing. ]
I regret hurting you. And her. And Riona. [All of them hit by the shrapnel of his own bad decisions. ] I had the chance to be decent about this, and I did not take it. That is unforgivable.
no subject
I agree that what you did was wrong, Fenris, but it doesn't make you the most terrible person in the world either. It's good you came clean about it, especially to Marian. That's more good than a truly awful person who didn't care would do.
[ He doesn't reach for him, letting him get the energy out. ]
Between her and you, you'll need to face those consequences and I think you'll be working a long time to earn her trust again, if she's willing. But you'll only be truly terrible if you don't try.
As for you and me - I'm hurt, yes, but I also know how much it's taking for you to come here now and talk about it, and that's a good start for me. And moving forward, I want your word you'll be honest with me.
no subject
[He knows what they had is salvageable, but honestly, it was already that way without this. This just...pushed it over the edge. But he wouldn't every not have her back, even now. He would try to earn her trust back, if she ever gave it.
...Kirk's too.]
You have my word...though if you want it, I honestly think you would be better off without me. I have done enough damage already, don't you think? To you, and her.
no subject
In all honesty, I am a grown man who can decide what and who is best for me. And in another bit of honesty - it's not about you being best for me Fenris. I don't care about you because you're what's best for me.
I care about you because I find it so damn admirable how loyal you are. Because I think you're incredibly strong, especially now that I understand even a fraction of what you've gone through. I think that most of the time you're very honest with others and I like that about you. I like that you challenge me, aren't afraid to question me or push. I like you being you're imperfect and you don't try to be anything but - at least not around me.
[ He made a motion for the other to come sit with him, holding out his hand for the other. ]
Just because something is broken, doesn't mean you throw it away. You try and fix it and sometimes it's more beautiful for it.
It's true you weren't honest with me before, but you are being honest now and I can see that you regret how things happened if not what happened - which I don't want you to. You've given me your word you'll be honest from now on, and I believe you. And I'll be honest with you as well, no matter what it may be. That's going to cause some fights sure, but I think we'll both be better for it.
That, I think, is what we do for each other. We help make each other better, in our own ways.
no subject
He hesitates, before moving to sit with him, putting his hand in Kirk's, brow furrowed, trying to understand. He knows his own flaws too well, and hearing Kirk list them as things he likes about him will never not confuse him. ]
Oh.
[Ever the loquacious one. Just because something is broken, doesn't mean you throw it away. That sticks somewhere in his chest and stays there. He takes a few shaky breaths.]
I- I don't regret what happened between us, not at all. Not for a second. I wish I had been the better man, gone about it properly instead of skulking around like a coward. I have a lot of regrets in my life, Kirk...but you're not one of them. Not ever.
no subject
He didn't want to give up on Fenris, and he still had faith in him. Especially because he knew Fenris had not done any of it with specific malicious intent. If he had, that might have been different - no, it would have been different. Kirk wouldn't have been able to accept that.
A small smile works over his lips at that. ]
Good. Because I don't regret it, or you, either. I never will.
[ Now it was his turn to take a shaky breath. ]
Are you wanting to continue? With us, I mean.
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He looks down at their hands, silent for a moment. ]
I do. I still think you may be a fool for it, but I still want it. Us.
no subject
All right... all right.
[ He licked his lips, brushing a hand through his hair. ]
Well, if we're going to do this, I suppose we should talk about our... expectations, first. What it is we both want from this. Which for me is - I care about you deeply, but I'll be upfront with you and honest, like we promised. I'm not one for monogamy. I never have been, and I doubt I ever will be. It doesn't mean I don't care about you - I do. But I also care about and am involved with a couple others.
It's what I was talking about before. That I don't believe people are meant to love just one person. Well, not all people. Some are, and if they find that one person that's great for them. For me, I just... I can't deny feelings for these people, like I can't deny them for you. They fulfill me in their own unique ways, just like you do, and that doesn't make you less. It just makes you this unique part of my life, a part that I need.
[ He paused then, letting out a shaking laugh. ]
Sorry, I'm - these sort of conversations are not my strong suit. But everything I just said also applies to you as well. I'm not expecting monogamy of you, essentially.
no subject
This was...easier.]
I understand. That...would not be a problem. I am not...well suited to someone needing me completely. I barely have enough pieces of me to make one functioning person with. Trying to hold it together with a more solid relationship is near impossible.
[He can just about be there for himself, he can't hold together another person on top of that. He just can't. ]
no subject
I won't ask more of you than you can give, and if I ever do, please, please tell me. Talk to me. I will listen and we can talk it out. Like I said, honesty between us.
[ He put Fenris' hand in his lap and continued to stroke his knuckles. ]
What is it you need from me?
no subject
You already understand how I tend to be, and the reasons why I am. That is all I need, understanding- knowing that sometimes I need to step back. That I can't be held too tightly or expected too much of. You already give me this.
no subject
[ He gave Fenris' hand another squeeze and leaned over, kissing the side of Fenris' temple, leaning his forehead against him for a brief moment. ]
To be honest, I'm not sure what to do now. I did warn you I was bad at this sort of thing...
[ He huffed beneath his breath. ]
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You are better at it than you believe.
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Not as good as I should be, really. But I try.
[ He gave a wry little smile. ]
You can stay here for as long as you want, by the way. I suppose us being involved gives you a few new privileges.
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Privileges, hm? I was not aware this came with privileges.
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Oh, well, you know - getting to stay in my cabin, getting to bother me at all hours, getting to kiss me...
[ He smirked, glancing at him out of the corner of his eye and hoping his attempt at humor landed. This was easier, his chest less tight and his stomach not quite so knotted up. ]
no subject
Those are very alluring privileges.
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Hopefully you make good use of them.
[ He bit his lip a little around the smile, though his grip on Fenris' hand remained tender, thumb brushing across warm skin and idly tracing the paths of lyrium he came across. ]
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I can assure you, I absolutely will.
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[ Admittedly, after Fenris' admission, this probably wasn't the place things should go. They probably weren't, but he didn't mind if they did. He was still upset over Fenris not telling him at first, but he couldn't hold onto it. Not if he wanted them to be able to move forward. Besides, he was trying now, and he gave him credit for that, and wanted to have faith in him moving forward. ]
I'm going to hold you to it.
[ His head tilted, nose brushing against Fenris' cheek. ]
no subject
Though, perhaps it would be better to decompress first.
no subject
[ Kirk nodded in affirmation, thinking the same things, knowing it was right to do and not let either of them unintentionally take advantage of the other. Even so, he cupped his face and gave him a proper kiss on the mouth, the slightest suck on his bottom lip. ]
Want a drink? Or is that bad for decompressing too?
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