universal_charm | The Empty Space Inside My Head [ Action / Voice ]

[ He woke up to an empty bed, which in and of itself wasn't unusual. Spock got up earlier than him most days, but there was something different about it today. The bed wasn't warm, wasn't the sort of muffled from being made up so as not to wake him. He sat up and stared at the empty space, because if he stared long enough that wrongness would go away, wouldn't it? Instinctively he reached out as Spock had taught him... and felt nothing. It was his own head, his own space, his own feelings and nothing of that quiet pressure in the back of his head. It was gone and he was alone in his head, and despite himself he felt his eyes burning as he tried to keep staring and make it not true.

Eventually he noticed the PADD on the bedside, and he reached for it, turning it on and curling in on himself as he read it through misty eyes. He hadn't felt like this since Pike died, since he had lost someone so important in his life that it left a super nova inside his head, in the little universe he had constructed to show Spock when they meditated. This was why he didn't do relationships, why he didn't get close to anyone, why he knew it had to be a bad idea, and damn Spock for this and the Malnosso and all of it-!

Eventually he got himself out of bed, the immediate sadness giving way to anger - at everything, anyone. An anger he could use to keep himself moving like he had before. He dressed himself and went to the Battle Dome, claiming a room and locking it before he started up the sims. He knew, in the back of his mind, he knew that this wasn't going to make him feel better in the long run or make this not real or make him wake up from what had to be a long, terrible, cruel dream. It didn't matter though. He understood this - the lashing of fists, punching, kicking, kneeing, rolling and dodging. Understood the burn of his muscles and his lungs, the drip of sweat down his face and the sting of pain. He understood that, could function with that like he always had and let himself drift in the haze of reaction and anger. He drifted until it pulled him under and he collapsed, soaked in sweat and trembling, gasping for air.

When he had enough of himself back he grabbed the stupid little journal and opened it, keying it to voice only. He didn't want people to actually see him like this. ]

[ Audio ]

[ There's several moments of panting - and not the pervy kind, the kind that said someone was bone tired, utterly exhausted, and possibly emotionally distressed - or scared. ]

Spock's gone home.

[ Another pause, while he debated what else to say, but what was there? The transmission ended. ]

[ /End Audio ]

[ He tossed the journal aside and pushed himself back to his feet, wobbling for a minute and then shook his head and keyed up the sim again. What he wouldn't give to have a serial murderer super soldier to go after this time. ]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

I don't have to if you would rather be alone. I just thought I'd offer in case you wanted some company.

[He understands that too-- sometimes you just need to shut yourself off from the world for a little while to regain your equilibrium.]

I don't really know what I want right now, Emil.

_{[ Which was as much truth as he could manage at the moment, his
emotions roiling through him, thick and hot and clouding everything. ]}

Then... I'll be there in a few minutes, and if you don't want me around, you can always just send me away. Okay?

Yeah.. yeah okay.

I'm at the Battle Dome, though.

That's okay, that's not that far away either. I'll see you there in a few minutes once I get dressed.

Is there anything you want me to bring with me?

No, it's fine. See you when I see you.

_{[ he might have said alcohol, but he shouldn't drink when he's angry.
]}

Okay. I'll see you soon.

[He'll bring along a thermos of hot chocolate to the Battle Dome just in case, because he knows sometimes that helps him feel a little better when he's feeling down, and besides, it certainly can't hurt.]

_{[ Kirk just grunted in reply and kept working at the sim. Emil might
have to work to get his attention as he worked a sim into a corner with
vicious jabs. ]}

[Fortunately (or unfortunately), Emil is too polite to interrupt someone who is clearly busy, so when he finally reaches the Battle Dome and finds the simulation room Kirk is training in, he'll just stand outside and be quiet until the other man is done.

Then, and only then, will he tap on the door.]

_{[ He panted as he came over, shaking in every limb from exertion. He
keyed the door open and jerked his head at Emil in greeting before grabbing
his water bottle and jugging it. ]}

[Emil follows Kirk into the room, concern evident on his face at the man's condition.]

Are you okay? You look like you've really been working yourself hard.

Yeah, well, they say exercise makes you happy, right?

_{[ It wasn't working. ]}

They do? I know they say it can help clear your head, so I guess that's sort of the same thing.

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