[He snorts at the fact Kirk is surprised by this, but Shiro doesn't blame him. Getting drunk isn't something he's particularly fan of, and it's not exactly something he wants to do but knows it'll end happening anyway. He calls for a second point for himself, but not talking until he's ready.]
Yeah, well. [His pint arrives, but this time he only takes a sip.] This isn't how I expected to find out my ex is dead either.
[ OH. Well. Shit. That is some heavy stuff isn't it? Kirk took a drink
to brace himself, trying not to let pity show in his gaze or color his
words, even as his heart went out to Shiro. ]
[Just saying his name brings a wave of memories and sensations he isn't ready for. He thought he had moved one. He did, to be fair. He hasn't thought of him in ages, there isn't love in there anymore. But Adam was still Adam. Important, and beloved. And now...
Another sip of his beer.] The last time we spoke before I left for space... it was a fight. The one that ended it. And now Veronica is here and she's from our future and Earth...
[He sighs and rubs his eyes, stopping himself from ranting, from losing it. What else will the universe take from him?]
[ He took a swig of his beer, perhaps to brace himself, perhaps in
solidarity. Maybe both. But how do you respond to that? But, at the least,
he thought it would help for Shiro to tell him the whole story, bit by bit,
what he knew. He could just listen. ]
[That adds to the information bomb, really, and why he feels like shit. They weren't able to prevent it. His sip of the beer is a bit longer this time.]
[ Ah. So this was about more than just an ex. It was a whole lot of
shit bundled up together in a nasty mess and didn’t Kirk know all about
that? ]
That part seemed inevitable at least, didn’t it? I don’t know that you can
blame yourself for that. As wide a reach as that empire had, the odds were
they’d find it eventually.
[ He sipped and nudged Shiro’s boot with his. ]
You bought them time, though. That counts for something.
And you also could have killed him and his second in command or someone
else out for power could have done the exact same thing. My point is, is
that you can’t micro-analyze every little thing and blame yourself.
[ He squeezed his shoulder. ]
Did she say Earth was gone? Destroyed? Or is it still there, bruised but
resilient? It mattered, what you did Shiro.
[Shiro is here mourning an ex, but how many people have lost their entire families? How many of them don't have anything to even give a proper burial to?
Quiznak. He finishes his second pint with a new chug.]
It may've been inevitable, but we never even stopped by to offer protection. At least a shield. I've saved countless of planets and I've failed as a leader to my own homeland. I've failed him... again...
[ He’s probably being a bit of a hypocrite as he says these things.
Because how many times has he thought them to? That he could have done
better? Done more? He knows how that eats at a person, especially a
captain, because the decision was yours. ]
Well, if he’s half the guy I think he is for you to like him, I think he
would have been more disappointed if you had left behind all those other
planets that needed your help more at the time.
[Would he? is Shiro's first thought. Jim is right, Adam was (ugh, past) a good person - a great one. They broke up over differences and not over lack of love and liking each other. Adam had other priorities and was worried about Shiro's health... would he have been ok with Shiro fighting for the rest of the universe?
He didn't want Shiro to die. And Shiro died anyway. Time to sip more beer...]
Yeah, well.. now I'll never know. He's gone, and I never got to say sorry over our last fight.
[ Leaving so much unsaid. Feeling like you never made it up to them,
like you never proved you were the person they knew you could be. He
chucked back the rest of his and called for another, going stronger this
time - a whiskey. But he would keep it to that. ]
But I think - I think we say our apologies, even after they're gone, by
living our lives the best we can. By doing the best we can.
[Shiro sticks to his beer, but that's enough. He can keep asking for refills for his pint glass after all. Kirk talks with wisdom, with the kind of words he would use himself with his team. And yet...]
These news don't exactly make me feel like I've done the best I can, Jim.
No, I don’t suppose it would. It would make me feel that way too. And
that’s okay. I think it’s natural, especially for men like us to feel that.
But Shiro - it really isn’t all your fault. And it took me awhile to accept
this, but, it’s egotistical to even think that it is.
I know you, Shiro. And I know that you did the best you could. You wouldn’t
give it anything other than a hundred and ten percent. And it - it hurts so
much when that’s not enough. But the reality is sometimes it’s not. But
even then, we keep giving a hundred and ten. Because that’s who we are, and
what we do, and what the people around us deserve. Because the next time
that hundred and ten might just be enough.
[ He chokes a little bit himself, but his words are gentle and
impassioned at the same time. He feels them, down in his soul. For as many
times as it didn’t work out, they managed to pull off the impossible. More
often than not, really. But reality wasn’t always a happy ending, and that
cut deep. But you had to keep going, always, no matter how much it hurt.
]
[With each word, Shiro's fingers shake more and more, so does his body, and he has to put the glass down to cover his face with his human as tears start to fall. He's a quiet, calm crier, but it's still shocking to see - because this is the man that usually carries himself with confidence and leadership, now breaking down and showing it on his body language. The vulnerability is real.
Is it too much to ask the universe not to hate him?]
[ Kirk set his drink down and reached out, wrapping his arm around
Shiro’s shoulders. He doesn’t pull him into a hug, but if he wanted one it
was there. For now he offers the comfort of someone who understands, the
weight of a shoulder to lean on, and the permission and acceptance to let
the grief out. To, for a moment, not have to be the pillar, and just be a
man. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
universal_charm) wrote2024-04-11 06:26 pm
no subject
I admit, it is surprising that you know how, but this isn't exactly the way I expected to find out.
[ He sat and called for a drink for himself, starting off with a beer and would most likely just keep with that. ]
no subject
Yeah, well. [His pint arrives, but this time he only takes a sip.] This isn't how I expected to find out my ex is dead either.
no subject
[ OH. Well. Shit. That is some heavy stuff isn't it? Kirk took a drink to brace himself, trying not to let pity show in his gaze or color his words, even as his heart went out to Shiro. ]
What was their name?
no subject
[Just saying his name brings a wave of memories and sensations he isn't ready for. He thought he had moved one. He did, to be fair. He hasn't thought of him in ages, there isn't love in there anymore. But Adam was still Adam. Important, and beloved. And now...
Another sip of his beer.] The last time we spoke before I left for space... it was a fight. The one that ended it. And now Veronica is here and she's from our future and Earth...
[He sighs and rubs his eyes, stopping himself from ranting, from losing it. What else will the universe take from him?]
no subject
Did she tell you how he died?
[ He took a swig of his beer, perhaps to brace himself, perhaps in solidarity. Maybe both. But how do you respond to that? But, at the least, he thought it would help for Shiro to tell him the whole story, bit by bit, what he knew. He could just listen. ]
no subject
[That adds to the information bomb, really, and why he feels like shit. They weren't able to prevent it. His sip of the beer is a bit longer this time.]
no subject
[ Ah. So this was about more than just an ex. It was a whole lot of shit bundled up together in a nasty mess and didn’t Kirk know all about that? ]
That part seemed inevitable at least, didn’t it? I don’t know that you can blame yourself for that. As wide a reach as that empire had, the odds were they’d find it eventually.
[ He sipped and nudged Shiro’s boot with his. ]
You bought them time, though. That counts for something.
no subject
[He hasn't heard the whole story from Veronica, but he knows how the Garrison is, remembers how they received him, and the fact is--]
I was the one that let Sendak go...
no subject
And you also could have killed him and his second in command or someone else out for power could have done the exact same thing. My point is, is that you can’t micro-analyze every little thing and blame yourself.
[ He squeezed his shoulder. ]
Did she say Earth was gone? Destroyed? Or is it still there, bruised but resilient? It mattered, what you did Shiro.
no subject
[Shiro is here mourning an ex, but how many people have lost their entire families? How many of them don't have anything to even give a proper burial to?
Quiznak. He finishes his second pint with a new chug.]
It may've been inevitable, but we never even stopped by to offer protection. At least a shield. I've saved countless of planets and I've failed as a leader to my own homeland. I've failed him... again...
no subject
[ He’s probably being a bit of a hypocrite as he says these things. Because how many times has he thought them to? That he could have done better? Done more? He knows how that eats at a person, especially a captain, because the decision was yours. ]
Well, if he’s half the guy I think he is for you to like him, I think he would have been more disappointed if you had left behind all those other planets that needed your help more at the time.
no subject
He didn't want Shiro to die. And Shiro died anyway. Time to sip more beer...]
Yeah, well.. now I'll never know. He's gone, and I never got to say sorry over our last fight.
no subject
I know how that feels.
[ Leaving so much unsaid. Feeling like you never made it up to them, like you never proved you were the person they knew you could be. He chucked back the rest of his and called for another, going stronger this time - a whiskey. But he would keep it to that. ]
But I think - I think we say our apologies, even after they're gone, by living our lives the best we can. By doing the best we can.
no subject
These news don't exactly make me feel like I've done the best I can, Jim.
no subject
No, I don’t suppose it would. It would make me feel that way too. And that’s okay. I think it’s natural, especially for men like us to feel that.
But Shiro - it really isn’t all your fault. And it took me awhile to accept this, but, it’s egotistical to even think that it is.
I know you, Shiro. And I know that you did the best you could. You wouldn’t give it anything other than a hundred and ten percent. And it - it hurts so much when that’s not enough. But the reality is sometimes it’s not. But even then, we keep giving a hundred and ten. Because that’s who we are, and what we do, and what the people around us deserve. Because the next time that hundred and ten might just be enough.
[ He chokes a little bit himself, but his words are gentle and impassioned at the same time. He feels them, down in his soul. For as many times as it didn’t work out, they managed to pull off the impossible. More often than not, really. But reality wasn’t always a happy ending, and that cut deep. But you had to keep going, always, no matter how much it hurt. ]
no subject
Is it too much to ask the universe not to hate him?]
no subject
[ Kirk set his drink down and reached out, wrapping his arm around Shiro’s shoulders. He doesn’t pull him into a hug, but if he wanted one it was there. For now he offers the comfort of someone who understands, the weight of a shoulder to lean on, and the permission and acceptance to let the grief out. To, for a moment, not have to be the pillar, and just be a man. ]