He knew that calm, that too quiet voice. He knew what it meant. It terrified him, but there was an odd comfort to it too - that James would so quickly be ready to defend him from any and all threats.
Even so, he shook his head against James' chest. He knew who, of course. But he would confront them himself, and he wasn't going to completely blame that person either. They had both been trapped in the scenario, and during it he had completely believed what he was, the back story programmed into it. Who was to say how much of the other person had been altered?
"I didn't get a good look at their face. I was blind folded pretty quickly," he lied, though he was fairly sure it would sound legitimate enough, given his reaction a moment ago. He curled himself tighter into James, hating that this was the second time he had clung to him like this, had felt so broken.
There was every chance that Jim was lying to him just so he wouldn't go out and seek revenge. But what Jim said also tracked, especially considering how he'd reacted after James put on that blindfold. Maybe he really didn't know who it had been that had done those things to him-- not that it would dissuade James from trying to find him.
Not that it mattered right in that moment. All he wanted was for Jim to feel safe again. He couldn't heal what had been broken in him so easily, but he wanted him to know that at least he had a safe haven in him.
"Shit," he shuddered from head to toe, holding Jim a little tighter. Tears of pain and anger both welled in his eyes, and he sucked in a sharp breath. "It's fine, baby. You're fine. Not gonna let anyone else hurt you again, I promise you."
He let out a shaky laugh, but didn't pull away from him. If anything he
curled tighter and adjusted himself so that he was very firmly within the
safe encirclement of James' arms. He was safe here. He knew he was safe
here, that James would never hurt him on purpose, would go to the ends of
the Earth for him.
"I'm sorry. I thought I would be okay, because I know you wouldn't hurt me,
and I just - " he shook his head, turning in to press his face to James'
chest, hiding himself in his scent.
"You should've told me before," he said, but there was no admonishment in his tone. It was foolish of Jim to push himself to do something like this after what he'd been put through, but there was no point in calling him out on it now.
"And stop apologizing. You didn't do anything wrong. Whoever touched you--" he said, voice nearly a snarl just before he cut himself off, teeth gritted, lips pressed tightly. When he found out who they were...
He held Jim tighter, kissed his cheek, brushed his fingers through Jim's hair. "You're safe with me. You'll always be safe with me," he promised.
Of course he had pushed himself. Because he was the Captain. He had to push through shit all the time, be the strong one, not show how it affected him. He was used to pushing it all down, locking it away, waiting until it was dark and the eyes weren't watching the set of his shoulders and the slope of his back. He hadn't wanted to disappoint James.
He nodded against his chest, taking several slow breaths, getting his pounding heart under control. "I know that. I know that. It's why I was trying. Because I thought that knowing you would never hurt me would outweigh those memories..."
Except this wasn't work. This wasn't a mission, Jim wasn't on his ship, sitting in his chair, having to work through whatever traumas just so he wouldn't come across as weak. Same reason why James had a different demeanor when they were together behind closed doors. He didn't need to keep up some pretense when it was just Jim with him, nor did he want the other to do the same.
"You shouldn't have," he said, holding Jim close. "It's fine, if you just tell me... when you're not alright. I don't want you to feel like you have to pretend anything for my sake."
"I guess I just... I wanted it to be all right," he said tightly, finally
letting a long breath he hadn't realized he had been holding. "Because
fuck, we don't have time for this shit here, do we?" He shook his head,
sitting up some, but not pulling away from the protective circle of James'
arms.
He sniffed and brushed at his eyes with the back of his hand, red rimmed
and flushed. "It's honestly not because I don't trust you. I just... I just
needed it all to be okay."
"Screw that. We have time for everything, we make time for it," he said. "You can't just will yourself to be fine, after... something like that."
Fuck knew the standard torture was traumatizing enough, and they had plenty of difficulty working through that. Being abused and raped, even in some stupid fantasy, only made all that even worse. Something that James was sure the demons had been hoping would happen, at least in some of those scenarios. They seemed to thrive from their suffering, so why not that too?
"It's going to be okay. Not by you forcing yourself into these things, but by giving yourself the time to deal with this," he said. Possibly by giving James the time to find the fucker who did it and cut off his dick, then stab him in the eye. Not that it'd help Jim recover, but it sure would help him deal with the fact that he hadn't truly managed to keep Jim safe, when it came down to it.
He brushed his fingers through Jim's hair, kissing his forehead. "What do you say we just... forget about sex, and cuddle up in bed instead? I'll stay right here with you."
He knew what James was saying made sense. If it had been anyone else
besides himself, he would be telling the the exact same things. He could
hear Bones in his head, growling at patients, telling them they needed the
time off, to get their heads straight. That it was okay to not be okay. But
he couldn't say that to himself and make himself believe it, because this
was how he had always done things, how he had always managed to survive.
And as 'comfortable' as they were made here, it was about survival.
His chest warmed at the gentle touch, the sweet kiss, thankful in these
moments that James was soft with him, that he proved so much more than the
knife-sharp man he displayed to the rest of the world.
"Thank you," he said, tilting his head so that he could brush their lips,
then lean in for a fuller kiss.
James just smiled softly at that, weak and not entirely heartfelt. "Don't mention it," he murmured, any further words swallowed by that kiss. He matched the intensity Jim put into it, hands gripping him and pulling him closer, holding him tightly in his arms while they kissed.
He wasn't really aiming for more, now. After Jim's reaction, sex really wasn't on his mind anymore. Still, gestures of tenderness and intimacy didn't necessarily have to lead to more, and just feeling Jim relax and ease into the comfort of his arms was enough to soothe him too.
Kissing, soft and warm and familiar and loving, helped. He nuzzled into him
before pulling back, wiping at his face. "I'm going to wash my face," he
said softly, squeezing James' hand before going to the bathroom to do just
that, to ease the hot sting of his eyes and the flush of his cheeks. Take a
minute to breathe and calm himself further, to look himself in the mirror
and convince himself that he was okay. He was, because James was here and
he was safe.
Returning to the bed, he slid in, moving to cuddle up to James with a
quiet sigh.
James nodded, kissing Jim's cheek before letting him go. While Jim was away, he put away all the toys and other things, and tidied up the bed so no traces of what they were doing before was anywhere to be seen.
Then he changed into comfortable sweatpants and a t-shirt and climbed into bed, lifting the covers and pulling Jim in close once he climbed inside. "Love you, stardust," he murmured, kissing Jim softly, holding him close underneath the covers, in the safe cradle of his arms.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
universal_charm) wrote2024-05-07 12:10 am
no subject
Even so, he shook his head against James' chest. He knew who, of course. But he would confront them himself, and he wasn't going to completely blame that person either. They had both been trapped in the scenario, and during it he had completely believed what he was, the back story programmed into it. Who was to say how much of the other person had been altered?
"I didn't get a good look at their face. I was blind folded pretty quickly," he lied, though he was fairly sure it would sound legitimate enough, given his reaction a moment ago. He curled himself tighter into James, hating that this was the second time he had clung to him like this, had felt so broken.
no subject
Not that it mattered right in that moment. All he wanted was for Jim to feel safe again. He couldn't heal what had been broken in him so easily, but he wanted him to know that at least he had a safe haven in him.
"Shit," he shuddered from head to toe, holding Jim a little tighter. Tears of pain and anger both welled in his eyes, and he sucked in a sharp breath. "It's fine, baby. You're fine. Not gonna let anyone else hurt you again, I promise you."
no subject
He let out a shaky laugh, but didn't pull away from him. If anything he curled tighter and adjusted himself so that he was very firmly within the safe encirclement of James' arms. He was safe here. He knew he was safe here, that James would never hurt him on purpose, would go to the ends of the Earth for him.
"I'm sorry. I thought I would be okay, because I know you wouldn't hurt me, and I just - " he shook his head, turning in to press his face to James' chest, hiding himself in his scent.
no subject
"And stop apologizing. You didn't do anything wrong. Whoever touched you--" he said, voice nearly a snarl just before he cut himself off, teeth gritted, lips pressed tightly. When he found out who they were...
He held Jim tighter, kissed his cheek, brushed his fingers through Jim's hair. "You're safe with me. You'll always be safe with me," he promised.
no subject
He nodded against his chest, taking several slow breaths, getting his pounding heart under control. "I know that. I know that. It's why I was trying. Because I thought that knowing you would never hurt me would outweigh those memories..."
no subject
"You shouldn't have," he said, holding Jim close. "It's fine, if you just tell me... when you're not alright. I don't want you to feel like you have to pretend anything for my sake."
no subject
"I guess I just... I wanted it to be all right," he said tightly, finally letting a long breath he hadn't realized he had been holding. "Because fuck, we don't have time for this shit here, do we?" He shook his head, sitting up some, but not pulling away from the protective circle of James' arms.
He sniffed and brushed at his eyes with the back of his hand, red rimmed and flushed. "It's honestly not because I don't trust you. I just... I just needed it all to be okay."
no subject
Fuck knew the standard torture was traumatizing enough, and they had plenty of difficulty working through that. Being abused and raped, even in some stupid fantasy, only made all that even worse. Something that James was sure the demons had been hoping would happen, at least in some of those scenarios. They seemed to thrive from their suffering, so why not that too?
"It's going to be okay. Not by you forcing yourself into these things, but by giving yourself the time to deal with this," he said. Possibly by giving James the time to find the fucker who did it and cut off his dick, then stab him in the eye. Not that it'd help Jim recover, but it sure would help him deal with the fact that he hadn't truly managed to keep Jim safe, when it came down to it.
He brushed his fingers through Jim's hair, kissing his forehead. "What do you say we just... forget about sex, and cuddle up in bed instead? I'll stay right here with you."
no subject
He knew what James was saying made sense. If it had been anyone else besides himself, he would be telling the the exact same things. He could hear Bones in his head, growling at patients, telling them they needed the time off, to get their heads straight. That it was okay to not be okay. But he couldn't say that to himself and make himself believe it, because this was how he had always done things, how he had always managed to survive. And as 'comfortable' as they were made here, it was about survival.
His chest warmed at the gentle touch, the sweet kiss, thankful in these moments that James was soft with him, that he proved so much more than the knife-sharp man he displayed to the rest of the world.
"Thank you," he said, tilting his head so that he could brush their lips, then lean in for a fuller kiss.
no subject
He wasn't really aiming for more, now. After Jim's reaction, sex really wasn't on his mind anymore. Still, gestures of tenderness and intimacy didn't necessarily have to lead to more, and just feeling Jim relax and ease into the comfort of his arms was enough to soothe him too.
no subject
Kissing, soft and warm and familiar and loving, helped. He nuzzled into him before pulling back, wiping at his face. "I'm going to wash my face," he said softly, squeezing James' hand before going to the bathroom to do just that, to ease the hot sting of his eyes and the flush of his cheeks. Take a minute to breathe and calm himself further, to look himself in the mirror and convince himself that he was okay. He was, because James was here and he was safe.
Returning to the bed, he slid in, moving to cuddle up to James with a quiet sigh.
no subject
Then he changed into comfortable sweatpants and a t-shirt and climbed into bed, lifting the covers and pulling Jim in close once he climbed inside. "Love you, stardust," he murmured, kissing Jim softly, holding him close underneath the covers, in the safe cradle of his arms.